Whoakay.

I had little impulse to return to school in the morning. I didn't know what to wear in the morning. I got to school late in the morning. The nice Asian known as Sam opened the door for me. Walking, walking through eerily lit hallways to my classroom. One of the sluts, the one who wrote me a note, was not there today, I hope it stays that way. Sadly though, the dumb blonde was there. But it all turned out for the good because she got her comeuppance; thats why its not a good idea to be stupid. The school is a 24-hour lockdown, dare I compare to it to Gitmo, but it is. I was outside, sitting, just because she has a little absurd orange cart that she rides around in, she thinks it gives her the authority to scream at everybody to get in the cafeteria, the black Nazi! I don't like the cafeteria; tis too small; why must everybody be herded in there anyway now? Return, slept, awoken by BAHHHBAHHH BAHHH DOOO DOOOO DOO-DOO SUPERMARIO, hella embarrassed.

I took the bus to his house; I walked quite fast. The heat was doing an amazing job in sucking the moisture out of me to saturate my skin. More walking, more heat. I opened the gate the wrong way so it grinded like a puppy being killed. Into his air-conditioned haven. Tenchi Universe! Nostalgia. Everything was going well till his stealth-ninja brother caught us in an octopus position; I wonder how long he was standing there.

My husband... cannot... make... EasyMac. There's a reason its called EasyMac... mmm.. its not called YourGonnaHaveAHellaHardFuckingTimeMakingThisMac or something. Its.. easy. Dump, pour, dump again, stir.

J00stin came. His hair looked straighter. Weird gee-tar noises from the crypt, it was wailing in agony. His room; merch discussion amongst them, booking. I was at the opposite, erm, nook, scribbling pathetically. I don't know what happened; perhaps it went by too gradual for me to take notice. Maybe it was fear of his mother's decrees once she heard what we'd done; maybe I was jealous; maybe I wanted to kiss him but couldn't; maybe maybe maybe.... I sank again, foolish I. But I didn't do anything, I just sat there moronically, as if maybe a solution would come down from the sky in the form of a frying pan to hit and jolt me. I scribbled madness, my thoughts; wrenching 1/9 of my heart out on paper. Because thats what I do. Finally I could take no more, I was feeling the pressure behind my eyes intensify and start to falter so I took off.

He followed me. I wanted him to; I didn't want him to. The indecision of girls, no doubt. His face stunted by pained perplexity struck at me again, and again I felt less than nothing that I rained on his parade again. An apathetic departure on my part, I do believe tears marked my trail.

On the bus, trying to worm myself out of my disgraceful disposition (however late that was), the Asian guy with headphones said:

"Hi. You look sad."

Yes, how did you guess, I am quite miserable right now, stranger. I would like to say why, to you, stranger, as I will never see you again. I can find no one else to say it to, not even the closest of friends. Would they comprehend? Would you comprehend, for that matter? I made a stupid decision out of my stupid emotions, because I'm telling you stranger, this love is new to me. Its a different kind. Its a weird, odd, twisted, enchanted, inquiring, wrenching love. I'm adjusting to it, I'm getting used to it, but the unfortunate thing is as I'm doing this, I'm afraid I'm hurting the one I love in the process. Isn't that the most amusing and tragic irony you've ever heard of? To hurt the one you love.

But no. I said to him only, "I'm trying not to be so sad."

Carl's Jr, it was a ghost place, nobody was there, except for the employees but I bet even they were entertaining ideas of blowing that joint. Fast pace again. I turned. I saw lightning in the distance, in the dreary lovely gray sky to the east.

I wondered if I could eat it.

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meh school sucked. make up work. dumb slut throwing paper on the floor.

He came over today. And yes, to complete the feeling of fluttery happiness in my stomach, I ran and jumped into his arms. He went in through the front door; making sure my brother was securely put in that pit room of his. My room, at last. Kisses were exchanged, everything was perfect and phenomenal. I tricked him into taking the 3:03 bus, lots of Kleenex was used. My brother is a Metalhead...?

I wonder if he's at the JonBenet show right now. I wonder why I get so... girl-like... when he goes off to hangout and I am left behind. I don't like the picture dated August 12. I don't like how I wasn't there; I don't like how many people are in that photograph; I don't like how he states it was one of the best days of his life. I don't like MySpace, a place for dumb fucks. I don't like JayJay around him. I don't like moron Larry telling him to go out with her once he's 'single' again. I don't like that car crashley girl. I don't like any girl he hangs out with. I don't like his mom acting crazy right now.

There seem to be many things I don't like.

2? new stories, sort of?
spadina avenue (yes, TORONTO, bitches!)
the way of the doll <----title needs to be reworked slightly.

the way of the doll, I have a slight summary lolling about in my head. A girl who has just been dumped by a boy she was obsessed with aspires to be a singer. But since the boy has deemed such a career..stupid?... she starts to go around to other guys and asks them if she can make it as a singer. Her ambition heightens to a new level, a psychotic level. Sorta.

spadina avenue Because I love Toronto sooo effing much. Yet I still have no idea whats it's to be about, haha. Maybe that can work; a story about nothing.

I also think Karl Rove should be fired. This current administration is starting to be a joke. They spew lies to take the American public for a ride; spinning our involvement in Iraq however they like, just to get our support. Power corrupts, it appears. We - again! - got a president that didn't really win, and now we're stuck with him for the next three years, and who knows how the White House, under his conspirating conservative callow conglomerate, will continue to deceive us. Uranium, my ass! The political landscape in this country appears to be all about who you know, how much money you have, if your with or against the majority party of the moment, and how far you can go to bribe somebody, no matter how morally bankrupt you already are, to keep quiet about the skeletons in your closet. Perhaps it has always been this way, since the time of Aristotle and his beloved Politics. Certainly Rome was a clear fuck-up of corruption in the government; I think Rome should be presented as a prime example of what we shouldn't turn into, along with other prime examples such as Russia's Marxist "communist" state. Should I say that Germany under the Third Reich is a bad example of government? Hitler should be recognized for his amazing ability to drag Germany out of economic ruin after a humiliating loss in WWI, its just his ideology on ethnics and so forth that was rather fucked.

Snapple owns you bitches.

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there was a stupid substitute today. he yelled at me for supposedly taking too long in the bathroom. dick. i slept most of the time; i didn't finish my test or the worksheets.

I met with Nick again today; I feel bad that he was running to get me. Wandered around Smith's; kswissed in and out of Smith's; took the bus down to Rainbow, where I missed the Rainbow bus. He ended up calling his mom to give me a ride, and I had to try and not be so quiet. My dad berated me because he had to pay a shitload of money for my cell bill, so now I have to be more careful. Sleep.

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wow!
(a retarded wow.)

mmm, alarm clock. it read 8:19. for some reason i just didn't feel like getting up yet; i preferred lying in bed and thinking about him him him. eventually time slipped through my fingers and 8:19 came to be 8:50ish so i got up. he called at 9:47--yes I remember the time.

hearing what he said on the phone made me so happy, i was smiling like the lovesick fool i am. but my mother--my mother!--took forever in getting dressed.we left around noon; i am not sure. we were on the streets for about an hour or more, then returned back home. i had to do more stuff, i was in a frenzy, in trying to be quick so that i could see him. my dumb father in his going to home depot, my lazy mother in not wanting to rush, made him wait for me for more than an hour. an hour! at the palms. i embraced him from behind when we finally were reunited and ohhhh.

happiness.

We threw away the MSG-ridden Chinese food and walked down to the bus stop, not waiting very long. Down to the Boulevard we rode, got off, and our quest in the blistering heat to reach the Tropicana was delightfully interspersed with kswissing. I didn't finish my Slurpee :( .

The Tropicana! He askd a lady for directions, we went up the mirror escalator, trying to follow the signs, walking down a corridor of shop carts filled with useless nonsense that for some reason, always succeed in suckering out non-natives of their money, and outside we went to the pool area. It wasn't too full, there were people, but not swarms. I braved myself to face him clad in swimming wear in the restroom. It turned out to be great.

Amazing.

We set up a chair for two, right before the patio window where a voyeur hentai kept staring out at the pool. The water was cold for the first 2 seconds. I rode around on his back, trying not to get my hair wet. Our attempts failed. Then we strode over to the jacuzzi, my first time in one, which is sad, but also happy that it was with him. I splashed him, kswissing again...

Fuck yes fuck.

We left; we caught the bus down to the Orleans. Cheese fries, cheese on his pants, cheese fries I didn't finish-- he ate my foooood. :) Walked rather nonchalantly to the industrial center. More awesome.

"Ohh, I wish you would've seen it."

Went back to the Orleans. As soon as we returned, he had to leave. Somehow, it made me unbelievably sad in only a matter of seconds; and I blame myself, but I was close to tears seeing his expression of despondency and confusion at why I had suddenly gone cold. I was left alone, quite pathetically, with my drink, waiting for my ride.

Then home.

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random rant:
despite the terrorist bombings that happened 4 days ago in london, the city people seem to be very well-collected. the londoners, from what i can gather, have a silent will to get on with their lives and not let the tragedy shake them to the core. and from what i remember four years after 9/11, americans seemed to go about dealing with the world trade center attack rather differently. there were many people i observed who used the attack as an excuse for all sorts of things. even out here 3000 miles away from new york, people had claimed to be suffering more post-traumatic distress that supposedly, did not allow them to go to work. many americans preferred excessive mourning and false promises of revenge as opposed to paying the bills and moving on. don't get me wrong, i don't think we should be downright apathetic to the whole thing, since the events of 9/11 were an atrocity, but i do think there should be a point where one should think that whatever you do, it will not reverse what happened that day. you can cry all you want; you can make mindless oaths to 'get that son-of-a-bitch bin laden'; you can write as many songs of patriotism as you wish but it won't change what happened. so i just think; yes we all have our right to grieve, but at some point we have to move on. after all,we have to prove to the terrorists that they didn't right? and already i hear people saying that london didn't have a big an attack as us or Spain, but so fucking what? people still died; property was still destroyed; they still can grieve, but they seemed to pick up quicker with their lives than we did with ours after 9/11.

semester dos. session one had only one slut, and two brings forth two more. they are really disgusting, literally, equivalent to that of a dump truck. i might snap soon. mm, its nick's birthday today, finally he turns 16 haha. he's in music school right now though. only 5 days left though.

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excitement! sorta.

eight july: dumb final exam, passed second semester, national treasure movie. twas all right, except there was this kid sitting behind me who wouldn't shut the fuck up, annoying to the point of breaking his balls. gah. hoped and tried to meet nick, it didn't work out because of his dying grandma and my father's ardor to see and smell the great outdoors. he said we'd leave at four. truth was, it was closer to 6.15. lots of leakage.

nine july: "camping." more like staying inside the tent trailer the whole time and watching movies. kill bill vol.2; it was surprisingly good. run lola run for the 239th time. i started to watch memento but by then my attention span was faltering so instead i just drew and talked on the phone.

ten july: i was being pestered to get up. so i did. from there, i ate, or rather drank some breakfast as the rest of my family was preparing to leave. stupid brother gave me away. little fucker. thought about him a lot. i've been having crazy dreams concerning him, i wish i knew what they meant so i could do something about it. my wrist hurts. i don't want to get up early tomorrow.

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